this much is true and i want you to hear it from me. i know the weight of it and how it can be taken and i know what it is to me and how that much will not be understood by you. this much i open up like a bird released from cupped palms.
- mhmm. small smile and possibilities.
possibly circumstances have forced this crisis
circumstances really circumscribe my response and possibilities
your timing is quirky
and you're slow off the mark
next time go for it. and this one's in stars, lit up, urgent and teasing
series of pronouncements on personal mental state, perceptions, projections.
however, and this one's like a banner, no implications are extended, these truths are islands contained
series of generosity in continuous and reciprocal verve
i am a little bit in wonderment, a little bit in security, this is my ambiguity and this is what i know, my ambiguity is my pillar.
--Certainty is the one thing that to me is false. Truly it is. --
- well, you know that i am in a no-place
i have a job starting in 2 weeks in another country, the ticket has not been issued yet, the agent and i are sorting some vague dance,
why is everything so difficult, my negotiating skills, my greater desire, can i see my options, can i see clearly, and these are things that i do not include in THIS, which is going on right now, with US, these areas are the uninclusive nucleus of a more flatter sheaf of my life, i have stress which i am trying to defuse and diffuse, engaging my attitude and my perception and concentrating on my breathing
now i'm worried. what's that look on your face? what are you thinking? will i see you tonight? come back in half an hour. let's let this be what it is.
- let's let this be what it is
and it has been a part of my reflection in this persons eyes for a while since they began to construct an identity for me, i love freedom,
water, air, freedom
--i like them. i like that they see me. i like them because they see me. --
concern, wonderment, laughter,
i take the time of future dates and make a calendar. the future dates are significant to you, now they are centred on me. i take this period. and the last person you see will be me. and the last night here in another town. and a long car trip. just with me. and an introduction, a significant introduction, through me, for me, and your identity will be through me,
- and this will, what?, to YOUR identity, for YOUR identity?
and in this time period, this era, this bonsai relationship, a fantasy in 24 hours, carissimi, love in a house
- when did my anger, my disengagement, my horror, my disappointment, my incredulity, my nightmare, my selfcensureship, and kaleidoscope of reaction become known to me. as if this is relevant, WHEN!?! the deal is HOW, how to annul this delusion?
and let me lay out my reasons. i have an essay. i employ persuasion. i conclude within a cabal of selfishisity, some series of pronouncements on personal mental state, perceptions,
all of this projections that i want to smash at a wall smashily, not like this emotional bulldozing that is going on here, smash these lies don't polish them by resistance don't inhale them and participate in a fulfillment ritual that will subsume me as the weaker conjoined twin, attached at a point that is vulnerable for me and will considerably reduce my life options
- and it has been a part of my reflection in this persons eyes for a while since they began to construct an identity for me that i believe that when you apprehend choice, it signals that there is an out, it signals "not my preference"
At this point at 2 in the afternoon i call in unannounced to say "i am angry with you"
And i say why
in a nonconfrontational way that is very honest and unmisconstruable and unmodifiable
in the way that when you say "no", it is your body and you are allowed to and noone gave you permission, it's your body
and they say
you have hurt my feelings
and pronouncements on mental state and influence of you
and i say
feelings and doubts and imagination
i have them too
imagination, i touched on the other day, in some collaboration on identity, togetherness and the primacy of the present, in everyday language
containment is in the family of "was". here, now, this, us, this is "is" and this is truth, constant
not consistent - but i did not SAY that bit
let it be
let's let it be
And now here we are.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Saturday, January 29, 2005
always already
the music that goes straight to your brain, or wherever it goes, like the way that chocolate creates those pathways of physical memory that a chorus of inner smiles responds to (hello chocolate, hello, heyyyyy, mhmm, everything's fine, just got a whole lot better, you alright?), the recognition of instant and elemental all in one, this music carries my my heart, carries my little fidgety movements, and some days, carries my day, my waking and most recent sleep, the dream that will be later.
On these days, i feel like i am in a greater line of human discontents and supersedence and quirks, subliminally, subliminally, subliminally it is this and it carries me.
and i forget momentarily that i love boys more than blood, and that words are lies, and that electricity is untidy and that feet are the first part of the body. Music is flight.
pharaonic wings in the psyche,
and long strong sings from other people's voices, like a quality of soaring that is aquatic,
and apt lyrics that spit and pull you, yes you, up. These things that are real, know them, this music says (and makes),
and some version of the hyper-real, that ennables music like this, is carried clearly through it and carries me.
Life is so obvious. i love life. i love the everyfeeling, the nothingfeeling, the absolute, the transient, the core.
gayatri spivak wrote pure thought, upon reading it, the words that a reader-over-the-shoulder would have been able to see on the pages in my hands, existed merely as a convention, symbols of language on paper that seek to present thought and i think it is because her writing traversed the grammar and the nouns so very aptly and was already itself, needing no representation.
the last item in the end-of-year out-of-school music concert, was a 9 yr old on the drums, kayaiiiiiii, he flew! in himself, it was like a solitary tornado on the greenish gym matting, on the lines of future basketball courts and soccer fields, in front of knotted ropes and the stupid babyboom period bell, the double doors open and obscuring him somewhat in the light it let through - 11 am.
The Autograph Man Zadie Smith
On these days, i feel like i am in a greater line of human discontents and supersedence and quirks, subliminally, subliminally, subliminally it is this and it carries me.
and i forget momentarily that i love boys more than blood, and that words are lies, and that electricity is untidy and that feet are the first part of the body. Music is flight.
pharaonic wings in the psyche,
and long strong sings from other people's voices, like a quality of soaring that is aquatic,
and apt lyrics that spit and pull you, yes you, up. These things that are real, know them, this music says (and makes),
and some version of the hyper-real, that ennables music like this, is carried clearly through it and carries me.
Life is so obvious. i love life. i love the everyfeeling, the nothingfeeling, the absolute, the transient, the core.
gayatri spivak wrote pure thought, upon reading it, the words that a reader-over-the-shoulder would have been able to see on the pages in my hands, existed merely as a convention, symbols of language on paper that seek to present thought and i think it is because her writing traversed the grammar and the nouns so very aptly and was already itself, needing no representation.
the last item in the end-of-year out-of-school music concert, was a 9 yr old on the drums, kayaiiiiiii, he flew! in himself, it was like a solitary tornado on the greenish gym matting, on the lines of future basketball courts and soccer fields, in front of knotted ropes and the stupid babyboom period bell, the double doors open and obscuring him somewhat in the light it let through - 11 am.
The Autograph Man Zadie Smith
Monday, January 24, 2005
wicka wicka check it!
from 7th oct -
Mon Jan 24,12:10 PM ET
Science - AFP
ROME (AFP) - The northern Italian town of Vicenza has imposed a week-long total ban on cars at the beginning of February in a major bid to fight pollution, the city announced.
AFP/File Photo
Bye-Bye Beige BoxMod your PC and turn it into art. We explain a few simple tricks, and how to shop for what you need.
People in this community of 115,000 will have to use public transport between February 2 and 8, under a new city order.
Exceptions will be police, emergency services, taxis, disabled drivers, people going to weddings or funerals, cars on liquid gas, hybrids and electrically powered vehicles.
Citizens must also keep domestic heating to no more than 20 degrees Celsius (68 degrees Fahrenheit) during the period.
Several Italian cities including Rome and Milan have imposed similar temporary restrictions on cars when an absence of wind, rain or snow make pollution worse.
One-day restrictions were imposed last Sunday in Milan and about 100 other communities mainly in the north, including Bergamo, Mantua and Verona.
Rome and Milan have also been testing a measure banning cars with even- or odd-numbered license plates on alternate Thursdays.
Similar schemes are already in place in cities such as Venice, Turin and Verona. Florence, meanwhile, has decreed that on three days each week vehicles not equipped with catalytic converters on their exhaust systems are banned from its streets.
Before the centre-right government of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi came to power in May 2001, car-free Sundays were a regular feature, though not always very popular.
But Environment Minister Altero Matteoli doubts whether temporary traffic restrictions will resolve the smog problem.
"There must be structural reorganising," he said Monday. Last week the minister said alternative traffic was ineffective, suggesting instead offering premiums to drivers who give up older cars which caused more pollution.>
Mon Jan 24,12:10 PM ET
Science - AFP
ROME (AFP) - The northern Italian town of Vicenza has imposed a week-long total ban on cars at the beginning of February in a major bid to fight pollution, the city announced.
AFP/File Photo
Bye-Bye Beige BoxMod your PC and turn it into art. We explain a few simple tricks, and how to shop for what you need.
People in this community of 115,000 will have to use public transport between February 2 and 8, under a new city order.
Exceptions will be police, emergency services, taxis, disabled drivers, people going to weddings or funerals, cars on liquid gas, hybrids and electrically powered vehicles.
Citizens must also keep domestic heating to no more than 20 degrees Celsius (68 degrees Fahrenheit) during the period.
Several Italian cities including Rome and Milan have imposed similar temporary restrictions on cars when an absence of wind, rain or snow make pollution worse.
One-day restrictions were imposed last Sunday in Milan and about 100 other communities mainly in the north, including Bergamo, Mantua and Verona.
Rome and Milan have also been testing a measure banning cars with even- or odd-numbered license plates on alternate Thursdays.
Similar schemes are already in place in cities such as Venice, Turin and Verona. Florence, meanwhile, has decreed that on three days each week vehicles not equipped with catalytic converters on their exhaust systems are banned from its streets.
Before the centre-right government of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi came to power in May 2001, car-free Sundays were a regular feature, though not always very popular.
But Environment Minister Altero Matteoli doubts whether temporary traffic restrictions will resolve the smog problem.
"There must be structural reorganising," he said Monday. Last week the minister said alternative traffic was ineffective, suggesting instead offering premiums to drivers who give up older cars which caused more pollution.>
Friday, January 21, 2005
Everybody looks good in yellow
yellow is a pleasing word. it is pleasing to the ear. it is easily and pleasingly voiced. yellow looks, sounds and feels like the colour of all the aussie open girl tennis players' outfits. And Anna Kournikova's bikini - great pictures. Feels like 32' in the blink of an eye. Crescently yellow is succour (horrible vampire word, sorry for the juxtaposition of inferences and connotations) lunar reamed to spiritual observance. I would even say our spiritual observance, but I'm not channeling Herbert tonight.
Everybody loooks good in yellow.
Everybody loooks good in yellow.
Friday, January 14, 2005
15th july 2002 - nothing has changed
friday 13th january 2005
how much do you love me? she said and he laughed because it wasn’t true.
And this small joke was part of the bigger joke (and was the big joke) and people shared oh so easily in the spirit of the joke and it was the big joke and you didn’t need to understand it.
When people shut their eyes she hears that absent something of deaf laughter. When she is not in her body the unfathomable circus of humans and time brings her to a funnybone crux. But that wasn’t true because her body is all she is in.
And who is laughing now?
Listen.
And at the top of the tree all the small, near things.
The wind and the everything.
Skimboards and rock diving dogbites and torn ligaments septic cuts concussion a 24 pack burping and smiling looking for affection raw food dares and being a wuss.
eccentric and unmarked. stored for later, fuller reverence. and somebody will show you the way. nothing’s for free. good thing you’re paying.
The question is, what would, be done, without.
Bobbing along and not being stupid, not being like that.
One day.
Vomiting and running. (Because feet are the first part of the body).
But if she knows, she knows. and that’s the difference.
As if it’s true.
how much do you love me? she said and he laughed because it wasn’t true.
And this small joke was part of the bigger joke (and was the big joke) and people shared oh so easily in the spirit of the joke and it was the big joke and you didn’t need to understand it.
When people shut their eyes she hears that absent something of deaf laughter. When she is not in her body the unfathomable circus of humans and time brings her to a funnybone crux. But that wasn’t true because her body is all she is in.
And who is laughing now?
Listen.
And at the top of the tree all the small, near things.
The wind and the everything.
Skimboards and rock diving dogbites and torn ligaments septic cuts concussion a 24 pack burping and smiling looking for affection raw food dares and being a wuss.
eccentric and unmarked. stored for later, fuller reverence. and somebody will show you the way. nothing’s for free. good thing you’re paying.
The question is, what would, be done, without.
Bobbing along and not being stupid, not being like that.
One day.
Vomiting and running. (Because feet are the first part of the body).
But if she knows, she knows. and that’s the difference.
As if it’s true.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
the elementality of zigzag-y peace
hello.
thank you for the warmth you have, for pointing out the flowers behind railings, for smiling at plastic bags in the wind, re-inventing every situation with the laughter you bring with you. Thank you for telling me the history of the world. Thank you for meaning it. Thank you that you let me hold you. Thank you for all the and then's ... Thank you for clear glasses of coffee and of lime juice. Thank you for interminable silences. Thank you for letting me explain you back to your ears and letting the history of the world then sink back into mine.
i think you are more beautiful than a flute barcarolle.
thank you for the warmth you have, for pointing out the flowers behind railings, for smiling at plastic bags in the wind, re-inventing every situation with the laughter you bring with you. Thank you for telling me the history of the world. Thank you for meaning it. Thank you that you let me hold you. Thank you for all the and then's ... Thank you for clear glasses of coffee and of lime juice. Thank you for interminable silences. Thank you for letting me explain you back to your ears and letting the history of the world then sink back into mine.
i think you are more beautiful than a flute barcarolle.
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