how eliptical is the maze where process, cognition and framework paradigmate?

monday 29 november
I am trying to figure out if guilt is a human invention.

this is

The Half Brother
The Last Samurai

there's something to it

Each key stroke that provokes a twinge in my spine, contributes to the overall narrative of my labour. How this is true. Even I am not entering any numbers, which are my labour and which narrative they course, the span of my contract and the little fish-bones of the project. I feel this work that I have done and I want to practise it more. However, I have an office and also, staff and a report to submit.
Kai is constructing a public baths. It is muscle-power, long-term and I think it is a good thing. My involvement is voluntary, naturally, but in myself, my will which is my own must converse with my engagement. I am single and rational but I am also a member of a partnership that is greater than myself and of which I, as a skilled functionary, recieve a salary for something which has ambiguous potential and ambivalent applications. The future is not assured. The future, if it may be phrased in so grandiose a fashion, is at stake.
I have the bruises to prove it.

Herbert the foreign citizen who is an accountant recounts a tale

wednesday 24 november
It is a strange thing. Absolutely it is an unusual position, and one that I find unusual to be in. Were I still at home, the bandages would be giving me some personal and national, even, comfort, bandages applied over my lumbar region, my lower vertebrae manually investigated, infra red directed over my kidneys. It is not inconceivable that I would have broken the fast of my invalid nocturne with kidneys on fried bread, dense with iron, to the point now, to the point. Perhaps there is slight bruising, I doubt there is any discolouration at the top layers of dermis. I am tanned for that matter. I am not hurt and I don't think I will even mention it. I write to cause a point for reflection, and that which I reflect upon occupies my mind so that it might as well be a mental bruise. I mark the page in sympathy with the mark I feel is dissipating through my brain. Whichever will be the more permanent.
Yesterday, I was included in the digging of a hole, diameter 3 metres, central depth 1.42 m, circumference depth .66 m. This tuesday, was completely unlike any day previous, this activity foreign to my normal conduct and it was instead of my usual employment during the hours of 8 - 6 (when the sun descends and backlights the flight of ravens, which I observe from the carpark, in my work car, which is unpleasant to travel in until I have let the ac run for a period up to 10 minutes).
Perhaps you know that few places in the world experience civic systems of water and electricity delivery, perhaps you live in these places and are unaware that such organisation is notable for its minority position.
Kai is constructing a public baths. The plans and illustrations are displayed on the info board that stands in the driveway. Particularly, mosaic covers all the surfaces, and where it is clear as it were, there is cement and coconut wood slats with cement guttering underneath.

TUTSOI or TUTSAI

wednesday 17 november

the urge to stimulate other's initiative.
hero.
in your own life to seek what it is you find to be beautiful.

Punct

thursday 11 november
Have you read a great story?
Probably going to teach english in japan - i know i know, i know i don't know though - so for life and for the flight, please recommend a book.
The Tale of Despereaux. In this book, the light shifts and turns.

In the same place when you said it was a syllabus

thursday, 4th november
It is possible to get seasick on the road her house is off. Where she lives is her house, and her history in this place trails her like a veil of trenchant tendrils, thus she lives in a historic mansion at the hub of the nation's independence. The other tenants know that they occupy the upper stories, and she the ground floor. It is an appartment over the sewerage outlet. It also borders the sea. The ground floor flat has patio doors and a garden that runs to the beach wall. It is a midgey appartment and the midgey overbridge practically scratches its back. So what? After the skeleton, isn't the life in the doing. Yes and she is history, damn, it's salty. You can breathe and smile in this place continuous as a dream. She does. Smile means that you know what this is. Smile means you can wake up tomorrow.
This is a description of ketchup. Which is how it feels when you are seasick on the way to her house. Ketchup. You have turned off the tarmac and you are not smiling.
I think you are listening just fine.

It might begin like this

sunday 31 october

The wind picked up. The concrete would set quickly over the evening. In two days the fence would stand and the house could be viewed from all angles. The sun would rise and set behind the boatsheds beyond the fence. The people would approach and recede against the strands of reinforced wire. It would be very pleasant to look out from a dawn kitchen and know that in the visible darkness something enclosed you. To know that in the visible darkness something as substantial as your own flesh, innocent and familiar, was doing as much nothing as ever. These things were good to know when you were a somnambulant pupae. Three holes remained, a flat residue of urea and earth over the workmen's efforts. Over all the efforts of all the people in the world that ever were.
One must put on contact lenses and go to the club. There had been no electricity for three weeks. Beef and pizza and much fish had been prepared and consumed at the waterfront in this time. If communism involved sundowners and collective barbeques in a meeting place of grainy stones and sticky tables as joie de vivre was known in that place, it hardly seemed plausible to be framed as a revolution, more acquiescence to common sense. If there is water I will be able to put on my contact lenses and be good looking. This was important for making things easier and understanding reasons. For many things, as you will see.

Dehydrated Exhilaration

saturday 30 october

a slightly euphoric drained sensation resides in my veins. Or maybe it's in the breathing in. I feel cradled by some benevolent satya, like I'm in the crook of an insubstantial arm. Rehearsal went from 10 - 4, would you countenance, el manic/manichaeo is so far inside the glass box the reason that he can't hear the sun cannot be explained by young-at-heart physics teacher. The lines of communication were on fire today; working overtime to connect and to challenge and to ask and to encourage and to soothe. The beast was unbeastlike so our attempts might just have effects over time. Numerous sleeps might evince some conception of how we might proceed. We want to proceed with directorial input. The true proportions of the beast are constrained like those supermangled watermelons. Tell me I don't want to teach English in Japan. The glass will only go if we wish hard enough and we will only wish if we all feel it. In short, I am kwisha'd by working 5 ways at once while deferring to the fat controller. And he yelled at his nearest support. So anyway she knows what she's doing, she's in it for her. Quite like her now.
ThenI had starbucks with mum.
How many countries have a starbucks franchise? Do the American embassies have little starbucks cells in their clubs? The freakiest aryan nation epitome would be starbucks available on missile launch vessels. Ow that hurts like a hammer in the elbow.
Maybe when sleep comes it will be regenerative. The night before last, something happened in the world, that hasn't been reported on bbc yet, but I woke up and it was cold and something in the world has stopped.

What do you know that makes sense of the world?

tuesday 26 october
The Bone People
Of Human Bondage
Cannery Row
Wide Sargasso Sea
The Love of Stones
I Can Read The Sky
The God of Small Things
Eleven Minutes
To Esmé with love and squalor
My Brother
Jonathon Livingstone Seagull
~ Dorothy Parker ~
Brick Lane

digital karma

sunday 24 october
an amazing, funny, astute, sartorial, collection of jokes and understood looks visited. my friend rocks. i am so glad to be their friend. if you need proof the world is good.
good luck, my friend and calmness and excitement.
we get the same intakes of breath.
Truth telling exists in the quality of the silences.

Trying to love you yesterday

friday, 22 october
Trying to love you yesterday

i’m sure it’s possible
it will happen,
i only hope, the way i want it to

the things other people have read about
are beyond my reach,
the speed of someone else’s journey

a flower i didn’t see
the change of air
the iron taste of all the iron everywhere
a twoway mirror, the reason it is so easy

a harmony needs to be struck
that is when it will happen.

whatever can be accorded

thursday, october 20

For some people, infinity is not for them and what they are. Infinity isn’t for some people, and yet we are all part of it. Sometimes I don’t know why I do things. Maybe people who do are just fooling themselves.

Much and all is elided over. All and much is elided for the absurd indulgence of the craven creed of Respect in the eyes of other men.

Houses are just places where men fuck women. Men fuck men everywhere else. A house is a place for plumbing. Covered plumbing systems inside a house. And also stops the wind.

I just don’t want to lie next to somebody and be lonely.

But then, again, sometimes you think just leave people to each other. People deserve each other; everyone gets what it is they need in their cycle of stupidness. And then I think, what about for the intelligent ones? What about for the ones like me? Oh, I do not want to be left to the wildernesses of the jovial and the quag. It is a burden to all thought – to be left at the mercy of the addled and the strong. That I would, will, not be left. That I have recourse.

So for the ones like me
For the ones like me, and me, we are the others’ recourse. Which is a very funny thing that we can only project through and across the generations. It is a curious thing that we cannot communicate. It is as though our communion is enacted through our powers of imagination, to the extent of our imaginations. An entirely intellectual communion. And not an organic communion. An interiorly physical communion.

Goddamn, are books sacred?

Trees in Berlin

thursday, october 20
Upstanding twigs

When you have glass then you have a clear view of modified nature. You then become separated from nature and more cognizant of what is around you, of it, of what it is and how it is distorted is what you are lesserly aware of of necessity. And of where you are.

It’s a play about control, and autonomy and manipulation. The manifestation of identity.
You know how they take up spheres and these spheres of identity, of identities, machinate upon each other in such this tragedious way. It’s a slow rolling to resolution, and the vital part of the ball is Desdemona.
I love her vitality and I love her love for Othello. That is what I know, Desedemona’s love for Othello is the biggest and the least consequential part of the play. The inconsequentialness of her the psychic or moral weight of all the motivations and justifications of the play.
I think in 'Othello', Shakespeare has gifted us with a playing field of an equality/array of philosophies.
And the human heart of the play is Desdemona. Her heart is what she gives and what we take for granted. It is a role of magnificent relation; it is so reactive and chemical and the energy is what I want to know. I want to know how it is that she wants.

The obfuscation and machination of Iago – the conversation between men – is the crafted significance of the play; the figure of Desdemona has a truth in it to an extent more than linguistics and yet this truth and this figure of truth is vulnerable to the susceptibilities of Othello’s self doubt.
The play is about Othello – everything in it touches upon him, takes its’ course from his psychology.

We have the same unknowing determination. I want to learn the ways that I don’t recognize

peut-etre il n'ya des questions, peut-etre il n'ya qu' un question

thursday, 14 october

Is it important to love the stupid?
est-il question?

electricity is untidy

tuesday 11 october

thing is i don't know what i think and yet everyone seems to constantly be asking for my opinion or is that my misapprehension and this is a social mechanism a way of connecting obliquely because otherwise we'd all be running backwards from each other and hiding behind buildings and excusing ourselves to go to the bathroom even though we're not needing to go and taking coffee breaks and texting in group situations.
now i know i don't have an opinion. sometimes i talk to find out what i might think and how i might think and how others react to what is said but an opinion is a technique. Conversational gambit. this is the first time i have used this word and i find it ugly. having an opinion is overrated.

When i was alive a few years ago, i wanted to write a book without using words. i know the story it occurs in the nexus of my mind that unformed thing aptitude potential forever time and the electron position.

could

In a week it's petrol free day. We'll see.

Indeed, you mistake me for a magpie

wednesday, 5th october
I got a new eftpos card today, it has sparkles on it. And it expires in 2009. I think I'll be able to make the 500 in there stretch that long, what are the choices - one trampoline contains fun enough for 5 years, Starbucks shortterm stimulus yes let me rent my euphoria ~ SIDEBAR Put my identity on hire purchase, (hic) like that pretence isn't pre-empted ~ buy underwear, buy shoes, call it the chocolate ginger fund it is.
Why is there so much pink plastic in the dusty places in the world?
Salsa tonight was so good! 3 other people smelt good, real fragrance and clean. Like they have a real sense of themselves and a social sense too. One - not one of these ones - has this soporific smile on their face much of the time like there is a goldfish swimming behind their eyes and tickling them in a vague and constant way. This fish is why they have trouble connecting their body to the music. It's ok just so long as they don't think it's easy to talk to me and make such strong and attractive approaches such as "I don't know if I should ask this but I thought I would take the chance and ask you if you want to go out sometime" and expect that I will respond with emphatic yes, telepathically understanding where and when and to what, and happy karma how many kids do you want?
Icky picky so stupid ikdedik. So obvious only the stupid fall into it.
There is always a point of beauty, and it is all the more sharp if you look at the skyline.

'tis a plague of flying words, I am plagued by flying words

Wednesday 29 September

Pick me said the clown with his big shoes on pick me and I’ll be a good captain.
I’ll trade in my shoes for a cap and a whistle and a dictionary of useful phrases.
I’ll guide us to ports that lie flat on the continent after steering through storms with my eye on the stars.
My fondness for whisky and climbing up ladders, my orientation and ability to chart courses, some attribute in vain to my extraordinarily bendy knees and while my inner ears are extremely flexible, I tell you straight, it’s the affinity I feel with the horizon that enables my marine aspirations and I trust will support my application for the helm of your good ship on its way round the leeward isles, stopping briefly for relaxation at the secondary harbours and once for refueling in Malacca.

in copious other ways
keep that feeling of suspended equilibrium when you're easily 90* from the hips and fingers interlinked, your arms create an arc, incrementally from your shoulder sockets.
this is one of the good things about having a body.
i recognise this feeling like i recognise waking up happy. what else this affecting stays with me?...nah come up blank.
walking in the light

constant hum

constant hum - little life giving things
tuesday 28 september

In the crying shame that everything seems to become when night falls, the cleanest of toothpaste mouths important, her tongue traces her teeth as she thinks.
Five of them and her parents. Four separate familiar fish skirting the boundaries. Four others in the champagne waves.
When they were over the vegetation they dived. The giggling and the rolls, over and between. She breathed deeply and dived, her hands by her sides now. Underneath the seaweed sac things, which, she knew when she saw them, came every year. When she breathed she saw the water skiers.
"Loo"k." And yes, in their noise, their rival agenda - Just don't make me ignore; warily smile; the latitude of hospitality. I'll see you when we get back. You'll see me all week. How can we have any sort of a nice time if we say hello?
And when they had talked it hadn't been about anything.
How important are the shells she brought home - all this filmy calcium pick-up. They sit in the car for years, these things.
All the food was laid out; it would be taken home again. Forgetting about it.
The dark reef drop.
Her father looking for ways to tell people off. He had an air that, if someone had been missing, the blue sky, the absence of wind, the ordinary, careless initiative would be sucked in and then the movie music mmmm the underscore. The paranoia and the deep blue sky.
We had fun. She smiles.
The big engines rocked their bones. She looked into the water and on top of the water, the personal horizon, in front of her.
Thoughtless or Hapless dropped into the middle water a grazed coke bottle, turquoised along the ridges.
Her eyes were shut and she squinted at where she was. Which, when morning came, would be always.